What I think will be my last blog post…

I am very close to not being a sixth former anymore, and I have lost fascination with the idea of blogging my inner thoughts when it is used so very often to judge me or mock me. So I think this will be my last blog post.

It has been an eventful two years, I’m not going to say brilliant because it certainly hasn’t been, and there have clearly been very low moments of my life. I am looking forward to putting all of this behind me now, including this blog. This blog has seen me through some dark days, and now I think it is time to draw a line under everything and move on to a happier place.

So, I leave you with 18 confessions from my 18 years of life, most of them have really come to the fore in the last 6 months or so.

I think now is the time that I make these confessions as I begin to say goodbye to this stage of my life in favour of another.

1. I have had some pretty bad taste in friends over the years, but things have changed 🙂

2. I’m not the same person anymore. If you try and walk over me, treat me like I’m worthless then you’re gone from my life, easy as that.

3. I am terrible at taking care of myself when put under stress.

4. I hate social networking sometimes, but could never bring myself to delete my accounts

5. I have severe trust issues

6. I am dealing with so many confusing feelings right now that I am struggling to make sense of everything

7. I hold secrets for people I am no longer friends with, and every now and again I’m so tempted to just tell the world and screw the consequences. I don’t keep quiet out of loyalty anymore, its more self preservation and a sense of not caring.

8. I love my family but I cannot wait to escape them on a day to day basis and go to university.

9. I am absolutely shit scared of being in control of my own finances once I’m at uni

10. I feel like a nerd for insisting that all of my 150 odd books come to uni with me, although I have no idea where to put them.

11. I cry for the stupidest reasons

12. I feel like I’ve discovered a new part of myself, and it feels nice to enjoy going out, having a good time and being sociable. But I will still always be the girl who prefers some snuggly pajamas, fluffy socks, a cup of tea and a book in bed.

13. I don’t think I will ever pass my driving test or own a car. I’ve failed twice now and it doesn’t seem like much, but its really knocked my confidence.

14. I always take failure or rejection badly, really badly, as in cry for hours and feel like giving up on life badly.

15. People think I’m a hyperchondriac, and it frustrates me so much that on the surface I look fine but on the inside, I feel broken because of my joint problems.

16. A book had never made me cry, until I’d read My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult

17. I love people and being around them, but after a few hours I crave to be alone. It’s something I’ve never been able to switch off

18. I had 4 emotional outbursts/crying fits in about ten minutes yesterday because my family were talking about taking my ill cat to the vet and the possibility of her being put down

My Latest Project – Raising Awareness of Hypermobility

I’ve always been one for projects, most of them seem to involve writing. I had a project to write a novel, and I’ve accomplished that twice over with the NaNoWriMo challenge. I still want to write, but I have found something that I really want to make a difference with. I have no idea how I’ll accomplish it, but I really want to produce some lengthy piece of writing, perhaps some sort of novel if I figure out how to go about doing it, about the trials and tribulations of hypermobility and what it is like to have it. I have met so many wonderful people who suffer from the disease, and yet awareness of it is so painfully low. It is my mission to change that.

I don’t know how to turn this desire for awareness into an extended piece of writing or a potential book, but I have had an idea that I think could work. One person’s story of hypermobility could not fill a book, but if the stories of many adorned the pages of a book, people could develop a genuine understanding of the condition and those who suffer from it. So, if you are a HMS sufferer, I would love to hear your story and make it part of my project.

This idea sort of started in my mind when I was having a particularly frustrating day. I felt as if people were sceptical of my condition and didn’t think I was suffering. So in my frustration, I wrote this.

‘You don’t look you’re suffering.’

Five words which, one by one, chip away at my self-control and carefully composed persona until I snap with all the anger I’ve been hiding.

Suffering is not something that presents itself to people: it doesn’t wave outrageously to others saying ‘hey look! Here comes a person who’s suffering!’ We don’t wear t-shirts that say ‘Suffering’; we don’t have signs on our foreheads that convey to you what goes on inside our bodies.

Just because I don’t look sick doesn’t mean that I am healthy. Just because I’m not in a wheelchair, on crutches or losing my hair does not mean I’m not fighting an internal battle.

I’m a hypermobility sufferer. Don’t know what it is? Most don’t. In short, it’s a condition where the tissues that connect your joints aren’t all that good at connecting. So you’re naturally bendy. Reckon that’s good? Think again. Imagine not knowing the limits of your joints, imagine the pain, imagine how easy it can be to dislocate or partially dislocate a joint.

It’s a bit like the worst workout of your life, magnified tenfold to create exhaustion akin to nothing you’ve ever seen or felt before. And visualise for a second, this pain that resists most pain medication. Think of it as the worst headache of your life which paracetamol just won’t cure. It follows you around, like a spectre it haunts you. A malevolent presence that never leaves, to some degree it’s always there.

I find myself increasingly tiring of being told I don’t look sick and I don’t look like I’m suffering. I find myself wanting to invent an empathy machine, where someone can truly feel your pain before they reach for a judgement with their insensitive strangling hands.

And so this story is one of my own reality, where I attempt with all that I possess to deepen your understanding and change your mind. Hopefully in the end, you will begin to comprehend that people hide behind many masks, and just because they hide, it does not mean that they are not suffering.

My name is Ellis Spicer, and I refuse to remain silent.

So this is an appeal to anyone who suffers from hypermobility. I would love for you to get involved in my project, send me your story and pray that we can make a difference 🙂 This could serve as a manual for new sufferers, ways of coping, tips and tricks, it could serve as a reminder that there are others who share your pain, and it sends a clear message to all that awareness needs to be raised 🙂

I have set up an email account thehypermobilityproject@hotmail.co.uk, so if you are a sufferer, I’d love it if you could email me your story. I think it would be so valuable to have so many stories all together in one place. It can be as long or as short as you like, don’t hold back and be honest.

Some questions to consider:

• What were your original symptoms?
• Were you diagnosed with something else at first?
• How have the NHS treated you?
• How long did it take you to be diagnosed?
• How has your condition been received by friends/family/work?
• How do you think awareness could be raised of HMS?
• How has having HMS affected you? In any way
• How helpful have you found support groups and forums?
• How do you manage your HMS?
• What advice would you give to someone who has just been diagnosed with HMS?

xx

January Musings and Upcoming Events

I’ve realised today that the simple things in life are quite often the best. Who would’ve known that the simple pleasure of a hot bubble bath and a few episodes of CSI would chill me out to the max after a tiring day of revising for my Sociology exam that’s tomorrow and helping to clean out our 4 rabbits. I was covered in sawdust by the end of it, but it was so nice to make a cup of tea and head up to the bathroom at the end of it.

Have never really been one for big things anyway, grand gestures and complex stuff are not my thing. Have always been the girl who prefers a film marathon and a cuddle to other stuff. And coming up in the next month or so is some stuff that is going to be awesomely fun. Spending time with my family and friends and thinking about the future are simple pleasures, but always the best.

My costume has been ordered for my friend Zara’s 18th birthday party, and am really excited to go 🙂 The thought of me in a Velma from scooby doo costume embracing the geek within is something I can’t wait to experience 🙂 I feel happy to have found a fancy dress idea that celebrates geekiness.

Have not been reading as much as I want to, but am 5 books into the 50 Book Challenge of 2012, which given that its not even been 4 weeks yet makes me feel happy. There will be plenty of time for reading when the exams are over. For the minute, eat, sleep, revise are the only settings I possess

Xx

Happy 2012 To All

A quick post to wish everyone a happy 2012.

Our New Year’s Eve didn’t really kick the year off in style, unless you count watching many episodes of CSI, the Inbetweeners movie and Grumpy Old New Year with a pint of vodka and coke (like a classy bird), enchiladas and blackforest gateau. But nonetheless it was one of my more productive New Year’s, some spent drunk, others spent depressed and wanting to be drunk as a skunk.

This NYE I realised what I have ahead of me in 2012, and that made me feel so much happier from my traditional NYE frame of mind.

• Kent Visit Day on January 25th – since being declined by Oxford, Kent is now my first choice. I have loved the university from the moment I visited it and in my heart I knew that Oxford would never measure up to it, despite me wanting it to. I’m happy though, Kent is a place I feel I’d be content academically as well as socially; a historically rich city, crazily zany history professors, a good vibe and good accomodation? Get me there 😀
• Completing the 50 Book Challenge with Amy – incredibly nerdy, but that’s how me and Amy roll 🙂 Have to find a way to read all those books I got and bought at Christmas somehow
• The prospect of getting an iPad or some sort of tablet computer – for uni as well as play purposes. I really want one, hopefully I will get one for my birthday or as a pre uni gift 🙂
• Getting my tattoo – in memory of a beautiful woman, my mum’s best friend and sister’s godmother who sadly passed away due to breast cancer 2 weeks before christmas. A beautiful woman inside and out, I want to honour her memory and struggle in my tattoo.
• Auschwitz Memorial Week Thing in London and Auschwitz Assembly @ Sixth Form – 24th and 26th January – the first one I am looking forward to somewhat, I’ll admit. But doing an assembly at sixth form? Done it once, don’t want to do it again. Save me.
• Bombay Bicycle Club Concert with Dilan – going to book my ticket soon so we can go and see them play at Alexandra Palace 🙂
• My 18th birthday 🙂 cannot wait to be legal to do anything I want, i.e. vote/drink etc and celebrate it with the people who matter most to me 🙂
• Driving Test – 15th February – hopefully I’ll pass and be able to insure my car 🙂

xx

Didn’t get into Oxford, Merry Christmas to me

Well I finally heard from Oxford and LMH, the answer was no. I haven’t been accepted there to study next year.

A part of hearing that news was unbearable to me, and I got really upset. Studying at Oxford has always been my dream, and its sad that it has had to end here.

But, another part of me is happy. I have an amazing back up to Oxford in the University of Kent, and I really do feel like I’m going to be content there.

Perhaps the concept of fate really does exist. I’m believing now more than ever that perhaps Oxford wasn’t meant for me and I will end up where I am meant to be. It’s now looking to be Kent. And I’m rather excited about that prospect.

xx

A Big Fat Rant, I’m Sorry Everyone

I have to get this off my chest before I explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had my second interview today and it was meant to be easier than the one before. I fucking wish! Massive apologies go out to all, I’m going to have the rant of the century.

1. Why the hell didn’t I get the nice, quirky interviewers from yesterday?! They were nice awesome people who completely and utterly understood me and the way my brain works, the interviewers who praised me for being ‘fascinating’ and ‘abstract’.

2. How is it relevant to ask if the Nazi’s were the ‘elephant in the room’? I know this is Oxford but fucking hell, please! Even if I knew what was meant by an elephant in the room, I still wouldn’t know how to answer your godforsaken question!!!

3. Why on earth do they make us interviewees sit on a sofa whilst we’re being interviewed? Its so bloody comfortable you can’t think!!

4. I knew this was going to go wrong at some point, and today was it. I am literally kicking myself, because I was frightened as hell and they knew it. One of the guys was like a rottweiler with a bone, tearing away at me until I wanted to cry

5. Not once in these last 2 days of interviews have I been asked the questions I was told to expect. So all of that preparation done on why I wanted to study history, why I wanted to go to LMH and why I wanted to go to Oxford in the first place was pointless. My interviews at this college are over now, so I’ve gone and wasted all of my time revising for something I didn’t need! Grrrrrrrrrrrr

6. My bloody radiator still isn’t working, after being here for 2 days in the freezing cold up here with a draughty window right by my desk, where I spend most of my time. So instead of a radiator, I have an electric heater plugged into the wall that smells like gas and looks so rickety it probably isn’t that far away from setting the room alight.

Worst mood ever, its so annoying. And after having the best day ever yesterday. I know after that pathetic excuse of an interview that they probably won’t offer me a place. And that makes me hate myself more than you could possibly imagine, as well as hating those who will undoubtedly make the decision.

Need to go find a cup of tea and some chocolate before I combust, I hate today

xx

Greetings from a land far far away

Greetings from a land far far away, and by that I mean Oxford. Never thought I’d find a place so full of geeks, and people more antisocial than I am! To be honest, I don’t think I’m liked all that much for being a commoner, but I don’t care. I made it here and that’s all that matters. No one was expecting me to get an interview, but I did. So you posh lar-de-dah cretins, stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Have met some lovely people today though, one guy I started talking to because his mum introduced us, how cute. He’s a northerner, so like me has the whole accent issue, and like me he’s the only person applying from his school, which is also a comprehensive. So Jack is officially in my good books, with our little group of Classicists/Historians who broke away from the clique to spin on spinny chairs and chat about how we got to this stage of applying to Oxford, and our travel stories.

Am now sitting in my drafty room (drafty albeit awesome room) at the lovely old desk in a spinny chair writing this blog post. I actually fancied being social but everyone’s disappeared, and I haven’t really gelled with my corridor neighbours. So tempted to yell at them ‘iz it coz I iz common yea?’ just to see their reactions. Well stuff them, they can have their own little clique, and I shall bugger right off. I’m not that bothered by their childish games. Its more of a testament that I’ve made it this far than it is for them. No one was expecting this of me, so have that!

Found out from the meeting our group had with the history tutors who would be interviewing us over the next few days that there were around 30 of us and only 8 places at this college for next year! I’m praying I’m one of them, this college is amazing. From the minute I got into the taxi at the station in Oxford, I loved the city. From the moment I got out of the taxi, I loved LMH. I just hope that LMH loves me.

First interview is tomorrow at 11:10am, got to be down for breakfast at 7:30 though, register at 8:30, pick up the article I need to read at 9 and analyse for the interview at 9:10 before the actual interview.

Uh oh, kill me now or wish me luck, whichever one you think I’ll need most

xx

Influx of Christmas Songs (WOO), Oxford Interview next week, Christmas Countdown and that curious case where I now look like a Blackforest Gateau

For the past week, I have become overly attached to the radio, especially when I’ve been sitting on my bum revising, doing homework or wrapping presents. And now December has rolled around, the chorus of epic Christmas tunes has graced my ears and I feel happy 🙂 Christmas is one of my favourite times of year by far, because there’s food, alcohol, presents and time off school. Oh, and the potential for snow 😀 Damn to all the scrooges out there who hate this time of year.

Cannot wait for the big day, seriously. I am such a big child when it comes to Christmas. No matter how old I get, I will wake everyone in my house up at 4am to open presents. Its just me, the excitable hyper child who loves Christmas. Expected sight of me on Christmas Day, bouncing around in a Christmas hat, dopey from too much wine and singing the Pogues ‘Christmas in the Drunk Tank’ as loud as I can get it. Life does not get cooler. Christmas has got so much better since I am not dragged kicking and screaming to my dad’s to make small talk and pretend I like my stepmum. Tedious for the soul.

13 days till we break up from school for the holidays, yay, and 22 days until Christmas day 🙂 roll on Christmas I say.

I finished my NaNoWriMo writing challenge. ‎93 pages, 50,013 words, 270,572 characters, 1,106 paragraphs or alternatively 3,487 lines. So damn pleased with myself, especially given in the last week I really couldn’t be asked to write.

Have been on a supergeek trip today, wanting to be super organised and get all the homework done that I needed to do. So 3 english essays, some english research and history homework = feeling amazing having finished. Got so bored with no work to do that I did my sister’s homework too, so a Holocaust memorial statue and a mini essay done, and now I thought I’d turn to blogging to fill another hole of my time. See how finishing NaNoWriMo has left me with nothing to do? I used to use writing to fill my time, but the challenge is over.

But a new challenge is starting 😀 After many agonising months of contemplating deciding on whether I should apply to Oxford or not, and being told by some to go for it, some to forget it and some to make up my own damn mind. I am glad that I went with my gut and applied, with some good advice to aid me, because I now have an interview there to study History 😀 I am so happy that I have, and although I’m nervous, I know the experience is going to be amazing, and even if I don’t get in, I will be proud of myself for trying and getting as far as I did.

So next week will be filled with me setting off for Oxford on Tuesday afternoon, returning on Friday or Saturday afternoon. Whoa I’m there for a long time, this is going to be intense.

So to fit in with Oxford’s idea of being traditional and looking professional, I made the decision to dye my hair back to brown from red. I wish it worked tbh, because now I’m in the middle ground between red and brown. I look like a damn blackforest gateau. Damn you schwartzkopf or however it is you spell the name of your godforsaken brand.

Fingers crossed

xx

The end of the world as I know it, dun dun dun

I’m obviously being overdramatic lol. Simple thing but kind of annoying (and painful). The painkillers that I am on for my hypermobile joints have ran out and my stupid doctors are procrastinating with my repeat prescription. Its been days and it still hasn’t reached the chemists. Gah! My joints are killing me at the moment, having to rely on normal painkillers like paracetamol and ibuprofen really isn’t working

But, I have discovered a little golden tip for all those hypermobility sufferers out there on fairly strong painkillers that don’t seem to work, try glucosamine supplements. I’ve been taking the RDA of glucosamine for about 2-3 weeks as well as my regular painkillers my doctor gave me (which hadn’t been working) but I found that the glucosamine has made my joints feel a bit stronger and has almost strengthened the pain killing properties of the diclofenac, which is a result. The only downside is the glucosamine tablets are frigging huge, even when cut in half they are a complete pest to swallow, especially for someone who struggles to swallow tablets like me. But they’ve been working, and that’s all I can ask for.

I, along with my awesome friend Amy, have invested in the miracle invention of the onesie, otherwise known as the babygrow. We got incredibly excited about the prospect of owning one and wearing one, especially after seeing Nerdz4l’s video where she is dancing in one whilst out and about. Its hilarious and I wish I had the balls to do it myself.

Enjoy people, it is pure comedy 🙂

NaNoWriMo is going well, am on 38,824 words with 7 days to go. So less than 12,000 words later and I would have done it for the second year in a row. Its getting rather taxing if I’m honest, the excitement has gone, but I will keep on writing nonetheless.

Have a lovely evening 🙂

xx

NaNoWriMo, Schoolwork, Tests, Uni Offers and Sleep

Sorry for having not posted in a while, have been supremely busy.

Happy Guy Fawkes’ Night/Bonfire Night to all reading this. I’ll be sitting at home annoyed at the noise and sleeping, sheltered from the chilliness and potential rain. I really don’t do well outside when its cold or raining. I use it as an excuse to hole myself up in my room with a good book and some music, wrapped up warm and relaxing. Which in a way makes me love winter 🙂

I had my History Aptitude Test on Wednesday for Oxford. My application is riding on a good score in that. I really do sincerely hope that I’ve done okay in the exam despite having a major headache and the shakes. I think it went reasonably well, and I grasped the use of the sources well. We shall have to wait and see. According to Buzz Lightyear, I shall find out whether I have done well enough to get an interview. I really hope I have, the more I think about it, the more I want to go to Oxford, simply for the academia. It would be heaven to a history geek like me. If I don’t get in, it won’t be the end of the world, but I would really like to get the opportunity to go. I probably wouldn’t fit in there with my fondness for swear words at inopportune moments and my pronunciation of some words which is occasionally comically common. But I think I would love every minute.

Spent the majority of my Friday night last night reading a book about the Nazi’s, because I know how to live right? Thought so, only cool kids do that (in the sarcastic sense) and doing some source work on Weimar Germany, which was fun (I’m lying). Spent my morning writing my history essay on the Cold War, which was freakishly long and a pain in the bum, but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Hoping for a better grade than a C on that (I got a C last time and almost had a nervous breakdown – C’s are an alien concept to me). Going to spend the rest of my day doing some reading with the music on and doing some more writing for my NaNoWriMo novel.

Quick intro to the concept of NaNoWriMo. Its a writing challenge where you write a 50,000 word novel in the 30 days that make up November. Its easier than it sounds, and no there isn’t a prize if you manage it. It exists so that you can write in a hurry without the focus for perfection. You just write, and you don’t edit until December. I did it last year and decided to do it again this year because of how much I enjoyed it and the finished product. Currently, in the 5 days that there have been in November, I’ve written 10,002 words. I plan on writing another 5,000 odd words today and tomorrow, preferably all today. But it all depends on whether I get writers block. Usually happens, and I can never figure how to get it to go.

So here is the synopsis for my story. Predictably, its history based (what else were you expecting from me lol?)

Lady Matilda Beauchamp, Countess of Pembroke is cousin to the King of England, Henry VIII. She returns from France after being sent there for 2 years to lap up the sumptuous lifestyle at the English court that being the cousin of the King provides. After keeping a promise to her cousin of remaining pure and virtuous, she is promised a husband. Placing her whole future in the hands of her dearest cousin was something she did not need to think twice about. His judgement is everything to her. His Majesty declares that no man, whether noble or otherwise, no matter how powerful they are, are permitted to make her his mistress, for her virtue must remain intact. And so the King must find her a husband. As he searches for noble men appropriate for her hand, he notices a blossoming romance between his cousin and closest friend. Will he allow this love to blossom? Or will things have a way of hastening themselves, making the conclusion inevitable, for Matilda’s future and her reputation? To avoid scandal or welcome it is the decision that must be made.7

Oooooooh I wonder. I may post a chapter of it up on here at some point, once I’ve finished it. Perhaps I will post a chapter a day in December until I get to the end of the story.

For a while now my UCAS has been sent off, and have started to get offers back. I’ve got one from UWE (University of the West of England in Bristol) of 320 points, which is the equivalent of ABB, and Brunel, who have offered me BBB. I’m incredibly happy to have received offers from them. I am waiting on 3 more offers, one from Oxford (which if I do get one, I probably won’t get until January), Bristol and Kent. Fingers crossed, am really holding out for Oxford and Kent, they’re my favourites :)7

Hope everyone has a nice weekend. I’ll be doing a lot of sleeping, have been put on new drugs for my hypermobile achy joints, which predictably aren’t working but are giving me drowsy sleepy side effects. That made driving yesterday fun….

xx