Auschwitz 2011

Its been impending for a while, and on Tuesday I finally got the chance to go on the trip with the Holocaust Educational Trust to Auschwitz for the day.

It was a severely long day, with me getting up at 2:30am and returning just before midnight. Made me extremely sleepy, and I had sixth form the next day. I seriously thought I was going to keel over with the assault on my body. I was even more exhausted physically due to the sheer amount of walking we had to do. Because of my hypermobility, the exertion was magnified, but I pushed my way through it. My motivation was that my pain was nothing compared to the pain of the victims.

But I think the sleep deprivation enhanced the experience for me and made me that bit more vulnerable. In a way it was good as I could take in what I had seen. But on the downside, after visiting the first camp and seeing some of the artefacts and a gas chamber, I felt like my brain shut down. What I’ve seen still hasn’t sunk in now, in a way I think my brain is denying it. According to our group leader, that is to be expected. In a way I am quite scared of my reaction when things do kick in and it occurs to me the ordeal I went through psychologically that day. But that is nothing compared to what the poor people of the Holocaust suffered.

It taught me that even more so it is important not to hold any prejudice. There is no black, white, Christian, Jew or Muslim. There are just people, human beings. Even those we consider to be ‘evil’ are simply human beings.

Apologies for my absence

I do realise that I’ve had a fairly long absence from the blogosphere, but I have been busy. Had a lot of work to do for sixth form, my subjects and UCAS, as well as doing a lot of reading and preparation for my history aptitude test in November.

Emotions have been up and down as well, and have been feeling ill. I blame these new tablets the doctors have put me on for the pain my hypermobility causes. But, to be honest, I don’t appreciate being told by my GP to just “get over it”. No. I have been diagnosed by a consultant and its a recognised condition. No I will not grow out of it given that my dad is in his 40’s and still has it. Read my file next time you ignorant oaf. Obviously he didn’t seem to understand that I need to be referred back to the consultant or physio. Idiot.

But he gave me stronger tablets, which is a start I guess. They don’t work as well as I hoped they would if I’m being honest. And the side effects are quite awful. I’ve been really nauseous since being on them and my sleeping is severely messed up. Hopefully I’ll adjust to the tablets and they’ll work with minimal side effects. Quite possibly a hopeless hope.

So, stuck with pain that’s getting worse and joints so vocal they click all over the place, it would make total sense that my workload increases. Am gradually working my way through the work and am making good progress so far. So far, all I have left to do is a history aptitude test mock to be marked and some optional general studies stuff.

Am feeling the need for a girly day out in the half time, maybe up London.

And oooooh, Auschwitz in 5 days. Yippee 🙂

Xx

Yesterday Was A Day Of A Lot Of Thinking

Yesterday was truly an emotional rollercoaster sort of day. I found out a few things, began to understand a few others and looked back to the past. It definitely opened my eyes to a few things, as well as drained me emotionally. But in a way I am glad I had the conversation I had yesterday.

Don’t want to divulge the details, but I am the sort of person who is a chronic ‘fixer’. I have never had any problem in admitting that. I try to fix my friends problems and be there for them as much as I can. But recently I have found there are things I can’t fix. It is difficult to acknowledge that and it frustrates me, but I now have some understanding and I feel less useless. I’ve realised that in situations like these, all you can do is be there.

Yesterday was also the 6th anniversary of my Great Uncle George’s death. He and I were really close, so it makes sense that the memories I’ve shared with him were on my mind for most of the day. My mood was rising and falling, and I may have been a bit unnecessarily snippy with people at points. What annoyed me is that no one apart from me remembered that yesterday 6 years ago we lost him. It kind of hurt, not even my nan remembered, and she was his sister.

I have a lot of pent up issues when it comes to his and my Great Nan’s death. The main reason is that I didn’t know they had been ill until they died and I wasn’t allowed to go to their funerals. This was my dad’s side of the family’s desperate bid to protect me from the melancholy of the situation, but it made it worse. I never got the closure that a funeral gives and I didn’t get the chance to properly mourn. So their deaths to me are still as fresh as the day I was told.

I still get angry about the fact that I never got to mourn properly, despite it being done with the best of intentions.

A rollercoaster of a day, I hope today is better. In fact, I expect it to be a tad mundane. Homework, reading, food and Saturday night TV. Oh to be a sixth former with a cold and a workload.

xx